Oh yeah, I get it… NOW

The following is NOT a dramatization.  It is, in fact, a true event that happened today with real people.  However, in the interest of personal privacy laws and such, I will change the names of the participants.

 

This morning… not a typical Friday, by most accounts.

*Yawn*

I woke up at 7:30am with the intent to exercise for a full HOUR.  I knew that this morning #1 son wanted to treat us all to breakfast (minus my husband who had already left for work).

So, I climbed into sweats and a t-shirt, tied my hair back and put on a dark blue-and-white bandana and headed downstairs to work out.

I did my 15 minute stretching it out exercises and then plunged (whole body) into this 45-minute cardio thing that uses resistance bands and dumbbells.

God hates me.  This I discovered while pulling 3 lb dumbbells up past my head and holding them there for what felt like days.  God really REALLY hates me.  If God liked me, even a little bit, he would have made us ALL in his image… as Christians say… therefore, we’d all be old men with white hair and long white beards trasping around in a robe and sandals.  But, then again, it’d be a struggle to get that white hair dealt with.

When I finished tormenting my arms and shoulders (today was UPPER BODY strength), I dragged myself upstairs and jumped into a hot shower.

Hot showers are a fallacy.  They never make my sore muscles feel better.  I think the energy people say that so we use more…  because they KNOW that dishwashers NEED hot water to actually… WASH the dishes.

Anywho…

I get the boys up (can you believe it? I’m UP before they are…) and we go to the diner (#1 son wanted Ihop, but the nearest is like 30 minutes away)… and this is where my parallel universes collide.

We walk in and as we made our way to our booth, I recognized one of the waitresses… OUR waitress in fact.

Six or seven years ago, I taught at a local high school with a general population a little bigger than MY graduating class.  I thought, “Hey, these kids are FAAAAAAAAAARMERS, what kind of trouble can THEY get into?”

I have learned to never say that again.

Let’s see… B&E (breaking and entering), stealing prescription meds from the nurses office and snorting the powder in the bathroom, smoking pot in the hallway NEXT to my classroom, stealing computers, uh… sex parties, drug parties, and a bundle of pregnant girls by the end of the first year I worked there.

One of my (not so) bright and (barely) shining students… a tiny Italian girl with a BIG MOUTH… sauntered into my class one day, turning around and bending forward so that she can show me her tattoo on her lower back.  We shall refer to those types of tattoos as ”tramp stamps.”

“Oh geez, Francine, I’m trying to EAT my lunch… do you HAVE to do that now?” I said to her.  Dolphins.  Dolphins diving into one another, landing on a palm tree.  Not surprising.  She giggled at me.  I think the kids like it when I’m blunt to them.  Gives them something to talk about at lunch, I guess.

“My parents let me get it for my 16th birthday,” she stared at me grinning, “isn’t it COOL?”

“Cool like ice.  Would you mind?” I said while pointing to the door.  Lunch was the ONLY time I was able to sit and relax without some kid in my face.

Fast forward to this morning.

“Hey, Francine,” I smiled, “do you remember me?”

She stared at me for a few minutes, tilted her head and said, “Uh… no.”

She was an advid pot smoker in high school.  This didn’t surprise me.

“I’m Mrs. Herstory, remember me now?”

“OH MAN,” she threw her head back and laughed, “Mrs. H… how ARE you?”

“Doing good, you?”

“I went to the dentist yesterday and he said I need $3,000 of work done on my teeth.” 

How do you respond to that?  In all seriousness, I just said, “That stinks.”  All the while, I stared at her teeth.  They were yellowing and a little brown like she wore braces and never brushed her teeth.  I tried to remember if she wore braces in high school, but I couldn’t. 

“Yeah, so like I’m killing time til I can get my teeth fixed,” she said rocking on her heels, “But it’s good to see ya!”

There are times when my steeley persona is easily read.  I could feel my eyebrows go up, my eyes widen, and my lips purse together.  My oldest was about to open his mouth and say something when I put up my finger and shhhh’d him.

I know all too well the consequences of my oldest son speaking… someone WILL end up spitting in my food.  I did my best to keep him from speaking.

All the while, my friend J-bomb, from the most recent h.s. I worked at, texted me.  Actually, I started it.  I said, “I wanna go tp the convent.  You free tonight?”  No, dammit.  No one is EVER free when I’m in a trouble-making mood. 

I texted him my experience with the waitress, because I couldn’t speak out loud, “I’m @ the local diner w/ my kids. the waitress is a frmr stud.  lets say i’m not surprzd.”

He knew what I meant… because just as she left our table after the awkward mini-conversation, I get “she pregnant with #2 yet?” on my cell.

DAMN him.  I almost choked on my coffee.

“Not sure, but there’s a teeth issue that’s grossing me out.”

HEY, teachers are human, too.  I liked the kid in h.s., however, she was usually too burnt out to notice that she WAS in h.s.  Most of the time, I was taking burning cigarettes out of her mouth in the girls’ bathroom and walking her down to the office.  Her parents, from what I can remember, were disgusted with her… but I found the kid amusing.  Well, except for the time she lifted her shirt to show me her bellybutton piercing or when she stuck out her tongue and said, “Wook, I peathed muh tung.”

My oldest, who just saw the doctor yesterday (bp is STILL up and down)… LIED (bald-faced, too) to the doctor when he said, “I eat SUPER healthy now.”  My eyes bugged out and I mouthed, “LIAR” to him when the doctor’s back was turned.

THIS morning, case in point, the boy ordered a breakfast wrap that was big enough to feed a small town… twice… and it was FILLED with sausage, peppers, onions, eggs, and enough cheese to coat Route 80 coast-to-coast TWICE.  My arteries began to harden just by LOOKING at his breakfast (which #2 also ordered).  I, on the other hand, ordered an egg whites omelet, didn’t eat the potatoes, and had 2 pcs of wheat bread and a decaf coffee (and water, no juice).  It wasn’t the healthiest… I wanted buckwheat pancakes or whole wheat pancakes, but all they had was big huge fattening pancakes with either chocolate chips or some sort of fruit cooked inside of it.

SOMEONE NEEDS TO OPEN A WHOLE FOOD DINER OR LUNCHEONETTE THAT SERVES HEALTHY FOOD.

No, I don’t want to.  I don’t think I want to be in food service again.  I do enough cooking at home.

Needless to say, this morning was an eye-opening experience.

When we finished and left, I said to my boys (once we were safely inside the car and OUT of earshot), “That’s why I’m telling you both to STAY IN SCHOOL, DON’T DO DRUGS, and abstain from sex.”

They both nodded and my middle one stared out of the window as I pulled out of the parking lot.  I’m sure he was thinking about what video game to buy… or what computer game level he was on.  My oldest said, “Can I speak now?”

“Yes, NOW you can speak.”

“She’s one step closer to being a street druggy, huh?”

Whatever that meant… but I think he got the message.

“Be nice. She’s a nice kid.  I hope whatever she’s going through resolves itself,” I said as we drove down the road, heading to the video game store.

Nothing like a real life-lesson to get one thinking.