To “see the elephant”…

…denotes “any awesome but exciting experience.” [James M. McPherson, For Cause and Comrades, 30]
Quoting a sergeant in the 70th Indiana, who had spent the first year-and-a-half (or so) guarding railroad bridges, McPherson wrote,

“we are not gaining much honor here… The boys are very anxious to see a little of that elephant, and would jump for a chance to have the name of at least one battle inscribed on the flag.” [31]

Honor, courage, and the fear of being branded a coward were the three reasons that a man (or woman) enlisted in the army during the Civil War. Regardless of their social standing, gender, home town, native or foreign status, or the occupation held prior to the war–for when these individuals enlisted it was to show honor to their country, family, and selves.

Ok, so what makes the notion of honor more significant during the Civil War as opposed to the wars of the 20th century? As Bob Dylan sang, “times, they are a changin’.”

I’ve been thinking about my thesis a lot lately. I sent my abstract in for one of my former advisors to look at it, and LOOK AT IT he did. Less than a week later, I receive my abstract back and, just as expected–he red pen massacred it. Normally, I would have felt defensive because I don’t like MY writing style monkeyed with; however, this professor is a gem. Without his assistance, I don’t think that my thesis would have been as good as it is now. So, I know that his corrections are not meant to be malicious or vacicious, but it still stings a little.

I stared at it for an hour.  Then, I accepted the changes because, well, to be honest, his version is much better than mine. For the remainder of the day (yesterday), I wondered if I could in fact be successful and get into a PhD program, or, for lack of extensive language skills, survive the voyage.  However, I’m not one that likes to jump into things.  And, more likely than not, I will not pursue a PhD.  Maybe it’s my fear of being branded inept or incapable of competing with the boys at that level.  I’ve never been one to shy away from competition.  I’m highly competitive, in fact, and will not go down without a fight.  Usually, I am able to keep my head above water (unless we’re talking in sports analogies… then I will say that I am a terrible athlete who tried to be decent, and always ALWAYS always ended up physically hurt).  I guess once you get a taste of A’s it is hard to let them go.

That’s why I think a PhD program would be a struggle.  In h.s., I lazied the days away, graduating with a 2.6.  My first few stints in college didn’t go over very well.  I graduated with an Associates in Science degree 4 years after h.s. with a 2.5.  I took off a few years before wanting to teach h.s. history.  I decided that when I went back to college (I was 26), that I would do better than I did before.  And, for every good grade that I received as an undergrad, I fought like a maniac to get higher.  I was hit by the A-bug.  After that, I knew that I had to get A’s or I would be wasting my time.  When I graduated, I was at the top 5% of my class. (Not bad for someone who wasn’t college material, eh?)   When I was pushed (shoved, heaved) into going for my Masters by my teaching mentor(-less), I started in Poli Sci.  After a PAINFUL semester of writing things in my notebook like, “I don’t belong here,”  “I’m not smart enough,” I switched over to history (ahhh) where it took a couple of semesters (in a row) before I began to get back into the groove of college. And, for at least three semesters, I was the “IT” girl.  But, soon enough, I was replaced my last semester by younger, smarter, and less distracted kids who weren’t married, had no kids, and didn’t have to worry about how the mortgage was going to get paid.  I know that I’m not ready for PhD.  My writing (academic) is weak.  My math skills suck ass through a coffee stirrer.  My research skills have gotten a little rusty (in barely 10 months).  And, in the back of my mind, I can hear my parents AND my guidance counselor telling me that there’s NO shame in not going to college… that not EVERYONE is college material.  I think about my first year in college and how utterly ill-prepared I was for it.  I think about my indecisiveness and my confusion as to what I should be doing.  My fear of failure, my distain of inadequacy.  I truly wonder if I have the chutzpah to survive a PhD program.  And, if I do, will I be able to do well enough on the GREs (Graduate Record Examination) because I’m a) NOT a math person (in fact, adding/subtracting/multiplying/dividing are ALL I remember and adding numbers and letters to triangles so that I can get a circle and two angles is just way above my math-prehension).  Not to mention, my grammar skills are weak.  I could probably figure out how to split an infinitive if I could actually figure out WHAT an infinitive is.  And, if my prior score on the OLDER version of the GRE is any indication of what my true assessed skill(s) are… I’m fucked.

Needless to say, my FIRST obstacle is to TRY to pass the GRE (Graduate Entrance Exam) which is WORSE than the SATs and a bit more painful than having a limb sawed off without anesthesia, using a rusty bow saw and a chisel.  I guess that’s one challenge that I need to stop running from.  But, then there’s…

a. Where do I go? (IF I get accepted someplace, can E find work there??)
b. What happens if I do infact finish the program?  I have to start applying for jobs that could literally take me across the country or just a few miles away.  And, just like teaching h.s., there’s tenure.  And, without tenure, you do every single menial task that your dept asks for.  And, if they want me to suck the dirt from the bottom of a coffee mug, I would have to.  And, we all know how much I distain bullshit politics.  (I think I just need to suck it up and deal with it.)
c. Will I find solace in the world of post-secondary academia?
d. Will I be successful? OR, will this be another gigantic waste of time?

 So, with all of my distractions (and there are a lot), I realize that I have to do something to get to where I want to be or I will spend the rest of my life beating myself up for not trying.  Then, and only then, I can perhaps (possibly) get to see MY elephant, too. 

**SIDENOTE:  By the way, my diary-blog is listed here (WOOHOO, right?)  Scroll on down to “Academic Lives” and find me there.